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04:56 pm: For My Most Feministishe Readers
I don't have a lot of time to write because finals are coming up already and I have to worry about evidence and business associations exams.

But I just wanted to let you feministishe ladies know that Rav Moshe Feinstein thought you are just as good as any man. in fact, he says here that "to think that women somehow are considered less than men is a great mistake. We see by all matters of Kedusha in the Torah by Har Sinai and other places that women have the same standing as men." Yep. That's what Rav Moshe said.

So please, feministishe ladies. Don't let anyone make you feel bad.

For example, when you read that you are too stupid to be a mashgicha, please remember that Rav Moshe thought you were just as good as any man.

Also when you read that people are only obligated to show you respect depending on whom you married, please remember that that Rav Moshe thought you were just as good as any man.


When you read that some frum companies won't even employ you please remember that Rav Moshe thought you were just as good as any man.

And finally, when you read that you can't even daven at the kosel with a talis, please remember that Rav Moshe thought you were just as good as any man.

I hope that brings you comfort.

Tags: rabbis, shul, tznius, women

08:23 pm: Don't Worry. Be Happy.
 There are so many elements of Judaism that are designed to make us happier people. All of davening is supposed to teach us gratitude and bitachon.  Every bracha is supposed to teach appreciation for what we have. So many holidays are dedicated to remembering the good things that God has done for us and continues to do for us. There is even a specific exortation to be happy- Mitzvah Gedolah L'hiot BeSimcha Tamid. Chassidim, in general, place a greater emphasis on the importance of happiness in religion than other groups.

And yet, I don't think the rates of depression or  anxiety (or even subclinical dissatisfaction) in frum and chassidic communities are lower than those rates in the rest of the population. Why is that?

One option is that the frum Jewish lifestyle is considerably more difficult and more stressful than that of the rest of society. Tuition, lack of heteirim for birth control,  limited secular education, poverty, high cost of kosher food- these all stress us out. So davening and brachos helps but not enough and without those supports, frum people would be even more depressed. Do you think that's true? That frum people have a harder life than everyone else and that explains this discrepancy?

Another option is that davening and brachos and all of this just don't work. Do they not work because frum people don't do these things correctly- they don't have enough kavanah, they mumble their brachos, they don't learn chassidus before davening, they don't think about the meaning behind yomim tovim? Or is it because davening just doesn't work, period?  It's not yoga enough?

Is it because anxiety and depression are clinical disorders and prayer isn't going to help, much like praying isn't going to cure your cold? Is it because people tend to have set personalities and religious observance isn't going to change that personality trait much one way or the other?

Or am I totally wrong and frum people ARE actually more cheerful and less anxious than everyone else?

Those of you who daven and say brachos and learn chassidus before davening- do you find that this really affects how happy and content you are with your life?

Those of you who have experience with anxiety and/ or depression, how do davening and yomim tovim and brachos affect your condition? Do you feel more anxious and depressed at the thought of getting up for minyan at 6 am? Do you feel that davening calms and relaxes you? Or are you stressed out because it just makes you late for work? Is it a mix, with the negatives and positives balancing themselves out?
 
Those of you who do not daven, do not say brachos, do not care about chassidus or yomim tovim- do you feel more anxious and depressed about your life? When bad things happen ( ex. lose your job) do you start to think "Gam Zu Le-," and then remember, "oh, yeah, I don't really believe all that," and then get upset, secretly wishing you still had some sort of wellspring of helpful sayings to draw from?   

Tags: hashkafa, science, shabbos, shul

02:40 am: Yom Tov

Simchas Torah was okay. Here are the recaps.

The good part: When two ladies and I sneaked a bottle of Skyy from the community meal and did our own version of hakafos in the main shul, dancing around the bima and singing old camp songs. It was a little glimpse of what things could have been like, had I been born with the right body parts.

The bad part: When the crazy uptight rabbi came to yell at us for being in the (empty) men's section and interferring with his shul experience.

The depressing part: Trying to dance with the ladies in the ladies' section and watching women tell off their teenage daughters for singing niggunim out loud. Because chas ve shalom, the men should hear them and violate kol isha.

Then we all had to sing in a whisper. Not kidding.  



Tags: rabbis, shul, women

10:57 pm: Birkas Hagomel
 
A  good friend of mine was in a car accident with her children. I hope to God she is not reading this. 
It was a serious highway accident in which her car rolled over and her kids were injured. Broken bones, cuts and bruises, one needed surgery. They are now fine, thank God, recovering from this ordeal at home.

Her husband was not in the car with her. 

He is not allowed to say Bircas Hagomel for her or for his children, apparently. And she is not supposed to say Bircas Hagomel because it is immodest for a woman to make a blessing in public, according to the Mishnah Berurah, as I found here. 

So here are my questions: 

1. Logically speaking, why is saying bircas hagomel more immodest than say, a woman saying a blessing outloud in the presence of men in any other situation?  More immodest than saying "leishev basukkah" when there are men in her sukkah, or saying a bracha over her piece of challah at the dinner table, or even at an Amein party, the latest crazy thing people do to gain themselves more favor in God's eyes? It's not like the woman is trying to be yotzei anyone by saying bircas hagomel, she is just trying to thank God publicly for her survival. 

2. Emotionally speaking, who the hell is my God that He considers it immodest for a woman to thank Him for surviving a car accident or cancer or some other horrible thing? Who are the men who would be aroused by such a display of public immodesty? Which hole did they crawl out from, when can they go back there and why are halachos being built around their bizarre fetishes? 

3. Why do I even care? In her place, why would I want to thank a God for my survival, a God like this one, who doesn't want to hear from me, unless my immodest prayer is in a quiet whisper, in my kitchen, behind my burkah?   



Tags: shul, tznius, women

10:05 pm: On Inner Clarity
 I'm going to try to make this post deliberately vague to protect the identities involved. 

In a recent women's periodical geared towards the orthodox female, a brief letter was published entitled, "Tznius and Inner Clarity". In this letter, the author urges frum women to provide dress guidelines for their "not-yet religious" female guests or give them clothes to wear when they show up in non-tznius attire.

 The letter is peppered with pearls of wisdom such as Providing clothing guidelines to a woman is a chesed which empowers her to fit in and feel comfortable...inner clarity results in action that is simple, direct, honest and kind... it is a kindness to avoid exposing our husbands, sons and male mispallelim to the sight of inadequately dressed women...

The bulk of the letter describes a rebbetzin who is praised as the paragon of inner clarity in that she  always requests that women cover up while in her shul. She is polite but straightforward. She explains that the shul is a holy place and men can't say brochos or divrai Torah in front of  a woman who is improperly clothed...she has extra sweaters and blazers to lend that are appropriate for every season. Rarely does anyone protest in the face of this Rebbetzin's inner clarity...her attitude is that it's nothing personal. This is the halacha. She is very clear in her own mind and therefore displays not a drop of anxiety about conveying the message that despite the moral relativism that prevails in secular society, in her G-d oriented world the halacha isn't open to debate. All these women show up properly clothed the next time. And countless women return week after week for more knowledge and guidance from her...

Anyway, as a frequent receipient of this woman's uh... inner clarity, I would like to attest that in fact, it is true that most people do not protest when told to change their clothes. That is because they are scared shitless of her. Last Yom Kippur she made a scene and threw out a teenage girl who came in jeans and wouldn't put on a skirt. Yeah, the author of the letter must have missed that part.  When I was pregnant and wore tops where the collar began below my collar-bone, she made a little bib out of tissues for me to wear and insisted that I put it on.  Although there probably are some women who do come back properly clothed the next time,  there are plenty more who don't come back at all. If anyone has actually been to this shul, you will know that the women who return week after week are not "countless", there are probably five of them and they are all Russians who enjoy the free kiddush meal. 

My point is not to bash this woman. She has had a hard life and 85 year old women can be as bitchy as they want to be, in my book. My point is for the shluchim and shluchos who read this magazine. This whole here-is-a-coat-you-need-to-wear-so-our-shechinah-won't-be-compromised mode of kiruv is not a good idea. It will not work. You will turn off so many people and then they won't come to shul at all. They might even write a rude blog post about you and your inner clarity. Stop being condescending and obnoxious. You want people to dress more modestly? You dress nicely and be a kind person, be a a good friend. Be funny, be real and wear fashionable clothes. Don't be holier than everybody else. Don't harp on tznius as the number one of the ten commandments. Look for the good in people and make them feel that their status in your eyes does not depend on what they're wearing. In this here post-feminist era, tznius is theoretically supposed to be all about focusing less on the external and more on the internal. Don't miss the forest for the trees.

Tags: shul, tznius